Title: Shards
Date Completed: 30 october 2000
Author: Amezri
Distribution: Artistic Allusion, WRFA, all others just ask me. If you actually want it, how can I say no?
Disclaimer: Faith belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox. Confused? See note below.
Author's Notes: This poem was inspired by Faith, from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". I sent it to darkstar, who claims that it's Logan Angst (not disagreeing, hun ^_^), and at her prompting, well here it is. Thanks for your support and kind words, darkstar!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

bleak black dark night
pain loneliness fear death
I am all these things and more
but you can't see them

shards that cut me up inside

the cold mask I show you
camouflage hiding my internal decay
murderous contemptuous self-loathing rage

shards that cut me up inside

no one to turn to for help
no one to save me from myself

these shards that cut me up inside

As I told her before she posted it, the voicing perfectly fits Logan before he met Marie. I can see him thinking these things as he leans against the cage waiting for another fight, staring out at the hostile, bitter faces and listening to them call for his blood.

bleak black dark night
pain loneliness fear death
I am all these things and more
but you can't see them

The opening barrage of words, their rhythm sharp and pulsing through the brain, shows such anguish of soul. It's like he's opening himself up before them and saying "take a good look, I'm the stuff nightmares are made of." He knows they think they understand darkness and pain, but they have no idea. He is intimate with "all those things and more" as they never are. But they "can't see them". They don't even see him as a man, much less a human with feelings. To them, he's just three hours worth of entertainment, a piece of meat in a cage fighting for dollar bills and cheap whiskey.

shards that cut me up inside

"Shards" and "cutting" are most appropriate metaphors for his pain, and it makes perfect sense that he describe such feelings in terms of the metal in his bones. It reminds his response when Rogue asked him if it hurt. "Every time." We see that same, soul-deep pain here.

the cold mask I show you
camouflage hiding my internal decay
murderous contemptuous self-loathing rage

Again, we have more of the intoxicating rhythm of his thoughts, as shown in the last line. Here I see him actually starting to fight, as the thoughts disintegrate from sanity into nothing more than the rage of the beast. shards that cut me up inside

no one to turn to for help
no one to save me from myself

Dear me, the pleading in this just tears you up. It shows that yes, he is indeed human underneat the rage and the pain and the darkness. It is only a momentary glimpse, but in it we see the full humanity rush to the surface, for a heartbeat, before hardening up again.

It made me want to sit back and yell "I'll save you Logan! I'll save you!"

these shards that cut me up inside

I like the repetition here, how you return to the shards and to the pain. It's like the previous burst of feeling is now being cut off by the "shards" of his life.

Muy bien. :)

      darkstar (1 Mar 2001)

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